Communication
Expressing Love and Its Languages
A recent magazine article discussed one woman’s application of Gary Chapman’s book entitled The Five Love Languages. Chapman’s premise is that we all have “a primary and secondary language that is our preferred way to both express our love for others and feel the love others express toward us” (Scobey, 2018). The author describes Chapman’s five love languages as:
Words of affirmation – hearing “I love you” and compliments
Quality time – undivided attention
Gift-giving – tangible gift or meaningful present
Acts of service – doing things for others; feeling loved when others help
Physical touch – holding hands, some form of contact.
The author of the article cites instances in her own family –including herself—that describe how she had to learn to speak the love languages of her children and how diverse these styles were.
I would take this further. One’s style of expressing affection and love might be different than how one likes to receive its expression. For instance, I might speak the expressive love language of acts of service and enjoy doing things for others. But my receptive love language might be quality time. In fact, this is the actually the case. Nothing validates my feeling for others in my mind than assisting or helping in some way. But for me to feel acknowledged and loved, I need to spend time with the person, even if it is just spending time at home without close physical proximity. Making time to do things for others is a huge priority for me: likewise, someone making time to spend with me is the ultimate expression of caring in my world.
Another example might be when one is physically affectionate in showing love for another but might need verbal affirmation to validate another’s affection. The point is that the ‘gifts’ of love we like to give are not necessarily the ones we like to receive. Our expressive love language might be entirely different than our receptive preferences.
Enter the world of dementia. Verbal expression of affection might be thwarted by communication/speech issues of the disease. It also might not be in the repertoire of behaviors retained as other skills are lost or diminished. The IWD might not be able to do things for their loved one—such as purchasing flowers or a card at the grocery store: they might not be able to drive or even read or comprehend what the cards say. As for acts of service, the IWD typically has to be cared FOR and may not have the capacity or empathy for caring for others. This is quite a dilemma. The IWD might not even realize there is a need to express love and affection to their family or significant other.
But that in no way diminishes the need for a IWD to feel loved. I think the need to feel loved, wanted, ACCEPTED is heightened for those with dementia. And I think this is because they have the capacity at times to notice that they are not saying or doing the “right” or requested things, they are requiring more care, time and attention from others that they do not desire (or that the others might be frustrated at times to give).
What was the receptive style of love the individual with dementia desired prior to the disease? Did he or she crave quality time? Words of affirmation? Physical touch? If we follow the basic needs of all individuals to feel loved, we should try to address the IWD’s need for love within their preferred style. Personally, I think most, if not all, IWD need comfort and physical expression that they are still accepted despite the changes the disease has rendered to their bodies and minds. Physical needs may move into the forefront—especially in tone, touch, and time. The tone of voice with which they are addressed, the touch of affection such as holding a hand, providing a warm blanket or rice bag, a kiss on the forehead or cheek, gentleness in encouraging movement or convincing, and time spent together, even if it is without speech. The one with dementia might not be able to ask for these basic needs, but that does not make them any less desired or appreciated when received.
Sources:
Chapman, G. (1992) The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate. Chicago, IL: Northfield Publishing.
Scobey A. Love is a skill: Learn to speak the five languages of love. U.S. Catholic: 2018; 2:43-44.